The 'D' word

A single word and a thousand emotions

As I reflect on my journey, I wonder: What common experiences unite us single folks? Is there a shared nuance in all of our stories? I’m curious to know if there’s a fundamental “flaw” that’s essentially slowing me down. Despite knowing I’m wonderfully curated by God, I still get nudged with thoughts of doubt. Is there a right way to date and if so, what is it?

Following a four-year relationship, I’ve spent the last six years single. What I’ve learned during this time is that there is no better situation. There is joy in every season of life. To truly embrace this, we must learn to silence the noise of others because they can’t walk in our destiny for us. I’m not a regular relationship podcast listener for this very reason. They typically start off with a balanced perspective but soon reveal their biases—encouraging some to play it small or pressuring others to change who they are to achieve success. Yes, there are some sincere discussions happening out there, but those are far and few between.

As Galatians 6:4-5 reminds us:

Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load. NIV

In this age of social media, we’re often bombarded with boastful and empty advice, pretenses of perfection, and misleading comparisons. But true growth happens when we focus on our own journey rather than trying to measure up to strangers or our peers’ standards. I do, however, tune into those around me.

As the single friend, single daughter, single cousin, and single co-worker who rarely has relationship matters to share, I do more listening than talking. I’ve come to realize that about 75% of my relationship insights have come from observing the experiences of those closest to me—both their triumphs and setbacks. I collect the lessons, gems, and tidbits like hot wheels, without actually having to buy them, a.k.a. go through the motions.

I’m aware, though, of how abstruse it is to some that myself and others out there are content without a romantic partner. Still, let’s all be guided when asking single people about their relationship status.

Word of advice

Be mindful of the pitiful tone in your voice and the confused facial expressions when they’re being vulnerable about their romantic failures.

The bane of my existence

Some of us are out here doing the work, but the mind games, wasted efforts, falsifying of intent, and disrespect make it difficult. Dating in this decade is a practical joke. It’s not for the weak-hearted. I consider myself among a small group of people who are actually single—no “boo” or constant text buddy. Truthfully, I only have the capacity for meaningful connections, and that is a scarcity in this generation. If we can’t dive deeper and there are no clear intentions, I close that chapter swiftly. Yes, I’ve explored dating apps on and off for the entire six years I’ve been single. Until 2023, I had a very busy social life. I’ve even gone on a speed date once, in jest. It was a terrible idea to say the least.

Lessons along the way

The thing is, I’ve always left myself open enough but not desperate because I’m not pining for it. Single means unbound. Not to say a relationship is bondage, but you ought to think and operate with this person in mind always. So, until that time comes, I love to take advantage of my free will. I try to discover what I love and what makes me happy before I take on the joys and delights of another. I’ve been solo dating ahead of it becoming a fad and learned there was a term for it. It’s helped in keeping me grounded and exercising a mindset of gratitude rather than lack.

PSA to saved singles

Even so, I am still human, so for those tiny moments when I do get a wave of loneliness, doubt, or worry regarding my romantic life, I rest in what I know to be true, and that’s the word. Scripture doesn’t speak plainly about dating, but there are a few passages in the ¹Bible that keep me hopeful and reassure me that my approach and the choices I’ve made are in alignment with the word. As if dating wasn’t frustrating before, being saved added layers that make the dating “pool” a shallow pond. It’s taking some time for God to reveal to me my person—the man who is after God’s heart and desires for him to lead our union. Until then, I’ll continue to focus on the other areas in my life where the Lord allowed overflow and abundance.

Thank you for reading Reflections & Ramblings! The engagement I’ve received on this platform has done so much for my mental and emotional health these past seven weeks. I appreciate all of you.

1. 2 Corinth 6:14 — Matthew 6:33 — Psalms 37:4 — Songs of Song 2:7 — 1 Corinth 7:9